so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
