I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
