i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize