dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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