I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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