Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
