If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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