Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
