I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
