While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
