my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
