new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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