I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
