I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
