i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize