i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize