I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
