I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Randomize
