she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
