he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
