I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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