I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You can't motorboat a personality
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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