the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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