dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
