i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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