I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
