The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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