I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
