i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
