gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
