im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
