i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
