He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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