you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
