well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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