____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Did I show you my penis last night?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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