I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
