There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
