paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
