I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
