He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
