I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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