I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize