My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
