shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
