that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize