I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
