i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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