How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
