We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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