she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
