Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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