my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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