i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
