So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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