Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
