I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
